Archive for August, 2011
Tuesday, August 30th, 2011
Few parents escape the teenage years without dealing with daily doses of drama that are an inescapable part of growing up. But how do you know when your teen is just being over-dramatic, when they are hurting but healthy, or when the drama is a sign of clinical depression?
Many teens today are dealing with the relationship drama that is part of being a teenager and mood difficulties can be the result of all the drama. Many teens are struggling because they find themselves in relationships, romantic or not, that they aren’t equipped to handle. Depression can result when a relationship fails or does not work out as they expected and the drama associated with sudden changes in relationships only complicates the situation.
Many teens find themselves in relationships that got too romantic too quickly, and not just in the physical sense. The end of a whirlwind relationship can be just as devastating if the connection wasn’t physical, if there was an emotional aspect, that’s enough. The emotional highpoints of a new relationship and the emotional drama experienced when the relationship suddenly disappears can lead teens to feelings of depression.
Social networking, online friendships, and electronic communications have also changed the rules of the teenage game. Unlike the teen years of their parents, today’s teens are hyper-connected to everyone they know, every minute of the day. Twenty years ago, a fight between two friends may have resulted in a flurry of phone calls and drawn in three or four other people. Today, that fight is played out on Facebook in front the entire school. We know as therapists that human beings are not designed to participate in a hundred relationships at the same time which is in essence what social networking sites like Facebook ask us to do. As a result of all of these relationships and the hyper-connected nature of their lives, teens today are bombarded with an exponential amount of relationship drama that is playing out like a television soap opera 24 hours a day.
The implied intimacy of knowing the thoughts, feelings, and everyday activities of the people in your life provides the façade of friendship where no real relationship exists. Many of these online friendships and relationships weren’t built the way real relationships need to be built in order to be sustained. Pair this with the fact that most people will say things to others online that they would never consider saying in person, and it is easy to understand why all this drama can drag our teenagers further into potential mood problems.
Even more concerning for the long term is how social networking impacts the skills teenagers need to develop in order to be able to handle relationships as they move into adulthood. Today there is a whole generation of people who have developed friendships online through platforms like Facebook, Twitter, and chat, but these relationships are not the same as relationships that were formed and built in person. This group of teenagers doesn’t understand how to build real relationships and sustain them over time. As a result, when a real relationship comes into their life, they don’t know how to participate in it or how to take care of it, because the skills they need are missing. And when they lose that real relationship, they don’t know to handle the loss because it isn’t the same as having someone de-friend you on Facebook.
So what should parents do to help their child have healthy relationships and avoid relationship-caused mood problems?
- Encourage your teenager to get involved in extracurricular activities at school, church or other organizations. From participating in sports or youth groups or volunteering for a community organization, all of these live activities provide teens with important one-on-one interaction and the opportunity to develop relationships with people.
- Monitor computer and cell phone usage; set boundaries. I’ve heard some parents say that they insist that their kids share their passwords and give their parents 24 hour access to their social media accounts or text messages. While some might think this is extreme, as parents who are responsible for the well being and safety of our children, it might be a good idea.
- Have regular family time. Another family started a tradition when their children were young of going out to pizza as a family every Friday night. Often times they would invite friends of the kids. Even though the children are now teenagers, and one in college they still look forward to going to dinner as a family every Friday night when the can. The benefit was that the family and kids spent the time eating and having conversation, something they didn’t do when they were all running in different directions.
- Encourage your teen to go out with groups of friends instead of just dating one person exclusively.
Related article
Tags: Adolescence, Facebook, Health, Parent, twitter
Posted in Relationships, Social Media | No Comments »
Tuesday, August 23rd, 2011
By: Jan Hamilton, MS, PMHNP-BC
Every parent who has ever had a teenager understands this feeling. It is a topic I get asked about a lot and a frequent topic in family therapy. As teenagers grow, one of the fundamental changes they are making is the formulation of their own identity, separate and distinct from that of their parents. In former centuries, this change more closely coincided with actual changes in circumstances as well, like getting married, striking out on their own, or taking on more adult responsibilities. Even so, there were probably quite a few shouting matches and just as much misunderstanding between parents and their teenagers as there is today.
Communication is the key to helping our teenagers navigate the often rocky path between childhood and adulthood. Unfortunately, the very nature of that change creates significant challenges and barriers to communication. In order to keep the communication channels open, parents need to take charge of keeping them clear. Here are 6 things that will help you communicate better with your teen.
1. Communication is more than Words
Remember that there is more to communicating than just the words that come out of your mouth. Your teenager is attuned to the subtle and silent messages you send with your body language and the tone of your voice. If these messages don’t match, your child will interpret what they think you really mean and respond accordingly.
2. Watch What You Say
Most teenagers have heard what you are about to say a hundred times. They can tell by the circumstances, your body language, and the tone of your voice what is coming and if it is old news or an unwelcome message, they may tune it out. Pay attention to all the messages you are sending and look for ways to impart the same message without wandering into a well-known battlefield.
3. Listen
Communication is not just about talking or educating the other person or convincing them that your point of view is right. Communication is about a two-way exchange. You need to learn to listen, to truly listen, to what your teen is saying before you can learn to communicate with them. Too often, parents tune out their kids as well, only hearing the things they want to hear or using the time their child is talking to think about what they are going to say next. Listening to your teenager is the most empowering thing you can do.
4. Trust Your Parenting
Trust in the foundation you provided them and give them room to make choices, fail, and then learn from their mistakes. Believe in the guidance and education you instilled in them. Don’t lecture. Focus on listening and allow them to make decisions for themselves. Bolster their belief in themselves by showing them you believe in their ability to make good decisions.
5. Be a Curious Observer
One of the reasons teenagers feel so misunderstood is that their lives, bodies, hormones, and relationships are in a constant state of flux. You can help them through these challenges by providing validation that they are OK, that they are good people, and that what they are going through is normal. To do this, you must be curious about their lives, ask open-ended questions, and then listen to what they have to say. But you must only be an observer; you cannot force openness and you shouldn’t use curiosity to spy or pry into their lives.
6. Watch Out for Transference
Remember that your child is not you. If you have issues to work through, take the initiative and work through them yourself, don’t assume your child is going down the same path you did or that they will make the same mistakes you made. You don’t want to limit their freedom to find their own path, make their own mistakes, and learn to live with the consequences that result because of your own fears or guilt about your past. The healthier you are, the better you are able to let go when you need to.
About Jan Hamilton, MS, PMHNP-BC
Jan is a nationally Board Certified Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner who specializes in adolescent treatment. She earned her Master’s of Science and Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner certification through the University of Arizona. She then worked for over eight years at Remuda Ranch providing inpatient services for adolescents and adults suffering from eating disorders. Jan has been a registered nurse for 31 years and worked in a wide variety of medical settings, including 30 years of serving young people through her work with Young Life, an interdenominational outreach program. Her desire to provide quality psychological and psychiatric care for adolescents and young adults in an outpatient, faith based setting has led to the opening of Doorways in 2008.
Tags: Adolescence, Communication, Health, Jan Hamilton, Mental health, Parent, Psychiatric and mental health nurse practitioner, University of Arizona, Young Life
Posted in Relationships, Teens | No Comments »
Thursday, August 18th, 2011
For parents with children who are suffering from a mental illness, it can be very difficult to know when their child’s problems are typical and manageable, and when those problems begin to endanger other people.
There are warning signs you can watch for if you are concerned that there may be something going on with your child that might endanger themselves or others. Here are four tips parents can use in these difficult situations.
1. When Something Feels Off, Pay Attention
As parents, we know our children better than anyone and the most important thing you can do is to trust your instincts. If something feels off, check it out. If your child’s behavior seems to change overnight or they suddenly stop participating in things they used to enjoy, talk to them and don’t stop talking and listening until you find out what is going on.
2. Challenges with Peers
Often times, the peers of teens who act out in dangerous ways or harmed their families also sensed something was off or strange about them. If your child is having difficulty interacting with their peers, getting bullied, or having trouble fitting in with others in their age group, seek a second opinion. Often, as parents, we are too close to form an objective opinion about whether our child is struggling to fit in because they have some social anxiety, a few extra pounds, or braces and when their peers avoid them because they sense they are anti-social, odd, or dangerous. Someone outside the situation can provide valuable insight into what is normal and what needs immediate attention.
3. Keep Lines of Communication Open
One of the biggest challenges every parent faces is keeping communication going when times get tough. Often, the times when our children need us the most are also the times they are least likely to seek our counsel or ask for our help. Create safe spaces for your child to open up about things you don’t approve of so that they don’t let small problems become life-altering situations simply because they didn’t want to get in trouble. Remember that communicating is a two way street and that you need to listen at least as much as you talk.
4. No Such Thing as Perfect Parents
Remind yourself that there is no such thing as perfect parents or perfect children. Be the best parent you can and provide your children with a solid foundation, room to learn to make mistakes, and opportunities to make decisions, even bad ones. Be there for them in whatever ways you can when they falter but remember that they have free will and they are going to make their own choices. Even amazing parents can have children who make very bad choices. But, the opposite is also true, even when parents seem to do everything wrong, most adolescents turn out to be amazing, wonderful adults!
Jan Hamilton, MS, PMHNP-BC
Jan is a nationally Board Certified Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner who specializes in adolescent treatment. She earned her Master’s of Science and Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner certification through the University of Arizona. She then worked for over eight years at Remuda Ranch providing inpatient services for adolescents and adults suffering from eating disorders. Jan has been a registered nurse for 31 years and worked in a wide variety of medical settings, including 30 years of serving young people through her work with Young Life, an interdenominational outreach program. Her desire to provide quality psychological and psychiatric care for adolescents and young adults in an outpatient, faith based setting has led to the opening of Doorways in 2008.
Tags: Adolescence, Child, Child and Adolescent, Health, Jan Hamilton, Mental health, Young Life
Posted in Relationships, Stress, Teens | No Comments »
|
